Lost it!

Completely fucking lost it. And now I have to watch these L<3ve My Body commercials on TV. Do they torture you too. Remind you that you haven't laid in bed unable to move from starvation, and that it means you are gaining, gaining, gaining. I'm sorry, and I know it's not honest..... I just can't post my current weight. I feel so out of control it makes me sick. I need one good day of fasting and strength and power and to KNOW I am back in this game before I can post about the new-neverending struggle. I WILL get back to where I was. If.it.fucking.kills.me.

Anything for it. People aren't even shocked when they see me anymore. How sad.........

Embarrassed...........

103.0

I'm such a failure, and I hate myself. Went on a cleaning spree and have had one string cheese so far today. I'm so scared. I need to get down to 98 before October which will be hard, because I don't have a real plan except starve. Guess just exercise more!!!!!!!!

I really feel lonely and wish I had a friend to be open about this with. I feel like it would be easier and soooooooo freeing. I guess that's why all the online communities exist. Atleast we have this. It's kind of like being gay in the old days. People think you choose this, and you're choosing a bad path of self-destruction. And that you can stop at anytime, no biggie. We totally have Ana-dar and can spot each other a mile away. But we don't have the desire to consume each other in a firey passion or anything, so we don't reach out. Ugh......... Lame-o!

Soooo..... I fucked up and ate before my morning weigh in. I haven't been able to lose and have been hovering around 100-102. It sucks really bad, because I know I need to cut out alcohol and fast atleast 2 or 3 days a week to get down. My metabolism is fucked. I haven't been eating much at all. Yesterday I ate 4 beef cubes during the day and bok choy in beef broth for dinner. I don't know what to do really, but I'm not giving up. I don't eat any shit ever. The only difference is that I've been using real sugar in my coffee rather than Splenda, because I can't stand the taste anymore. Friggin sucks. Blah!

In other news, I might be a psycho narcissist. I love attention. Beauty fades. I guess I'm trying my darndest to live up my beauty while it's here.........

98.6

Yay! I can eat a little guilt free-ish today. I mean guilt is always going to be associated with food in my world but realization of this helps a little too. Went out last night and got wasted again. Thee most wasted out of everyone. Awesome-o. I guess I never act as ridiculous as I think I do, and noone hates me the next day as I always expect. I just hate myself, I guess. Hahahahaha.....? Whatevs. Not the skinniest girl last night. Oh well. Good for the girl who was. Saw a guy that was a major hottie to me back in the day, and he looked soooooo old! I guess it happens to us all. But for white people..... sooner than the rest of us. Awwwww...... I <3 white people. 98.6

Fuck. I guess people hate you for being skinny. People are just haters, and I'm floored whenever people talk shit to my face. Do I ask for it? Am I asking for it? I don't understand. I would never and have never done that. Or have I? Maybe I've made some comments that have hurt without realizing it. Maybe I'm sensitive. I dunno. 99.2 lbs and 17.0 bmi. Ugh.......... my life......... sucks. I'm an alcoholic. I'm going crazy. Atleast I kinda have some friends and some sort of a social life these days. :/

Sooooo I've gained. I never reached 98. But it's not even close to over. I figure summer is coming late on purpose, because it's waiting for me. I just realized the other day that I'm going to be getting married pretty, pretty, pretty soon. FUCK! Lately, I've been smitten on a few ppl, but last nights realization of an upcoming date was a total bonerkill. I'm a mom, and soon I will be a wife and a mom. Where is my coupon organizer?? Haa! I'm looking forward to my life coming up. I don't want to cheat, because I don't ever want to put myself in a position where I'm the fucked up one. That's not control. That makes you even more vulnerable in love, and you lose respect from everyone. Even the person you cheated with will never respect you, because you obviously have no self-control. So yeah, bonerkill. No more smittenenuning. No more. Friendship is normal. Desiring to be physically close to someone you have an emotional connection with is normal, but isn't necessary in friendship. Of course..... duh. Being bisexual sucks........

100.2 isn't much of a gain, I know. But I need this. I need to be thin. For all the reasons to hate me one of the reasons should never be that I'm physically repulsive. Thin people look so clean and neat to me. Fatness is just sloppy. Ew! I love when people hit on me, because they don't realize that they are attracted to anorexics. Jokes on you assholes. Talk shit on pro-ana all you fucking want, but when you are drooling over my shit, we win!!!!!!!!!

Went out last night! Fun, fun, fun. Except I'm crazy and paranoid. I want men to want me, but I'm scared to death of them which leads to ackward drunk encounters. I dance, smile, have fun, but when they come to me I freeze. I can't even be the off-limits temptress of my fantasies. I wanna be the kind of girl every guy hopes to find after he meets me. What a loser. I'm a loser. 99.0 was such a bummer! The scale kept flickering in the 98 range for what felt like a million years only to land on 99.0. Por que? No food, please. 16 bmi here I come!


And I was the skinnest girl.


Happy moment. Where is my happiness?

And why the fuck did I eat a cookie???? What was I thinking?!!

2 days of 99ish. I thought it was 3 days. Too bad my eating is still out of control. Although, I said 2 glasses of wine yesterday, and I stuck to it. Go me. Self-control. Whoo! Hahahaha... I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I need to get to the 16 bmi range. Then I'm going to maintain. Wait.... is this the always a little bit more thing? But no, really. Just a little bit more, and I'll be happy!!! 3:07 pm and I've have 268 calories. :( I think. Hrmmmm... need to keep better track. I hate this. I feel like the fat feeling is so compulsive. I hate being fat, but I'm not fat. I hate being fat. If I wasn't fat, I'd be happy. I'm not happy. That means I'm fat...........

I feel like I'm starting the day horribly. 100.0 which is sad. I was hoping for atleast 3 days of 99 for a self-esteem boost. Then I eat 3 hard-boiled egg whites. PUKE! I didn't puke, but it makes me feel like puking. Oh yeah, did I mention that I stopped that? The potential dental damage mixing with no money or dental insurance=scared straight. My teeth were starting to chip, and I had to pay to get a couple of fillings put back in out of my poor, poor pocket. So no more of that stuff. Although, I'm tempted. Ugh.... seriously there is a voice inside my head. Mostly, I will say it's me. My own voice berating myself, but I get these moments. These times where it's a shrill, desperate voice. Sometimes, it's a soothing, approving voice. I've taken this bullshit concept of Ana and made it real. In my twisted, fucked up brain. Oh yeah, so plan. Plan for today is to maintain a constant state of hunger, but I will be nibbling here and there. Keep track of every nibble. :)

Okay, I'm Officially Crazy

Blogging more than once a day means you're crazy, right?!?!?! It's got to! Okay, so I have decided that I don't care. I know I keep saying this. I like being skinny. I know it makes some people mad. They feel a woman's body should be soft and curvy. I don't care. I'm not going to hide myself. I know I keep saying this! I look unnaturally skinny and possibly 12 years old. I don't care. I see so many thin women wearing way too many clothes. It's a nice day! Free yourselves. LOL. ;)~

Ooohhhh.....

So I'm all over the place. Different forums and such. Decided to keep a food diary elsewhere to try to get in control of my 'overeating.' Lost weight immediately. 99.4 lbs today! BMI 17.1. Whoo hoo! I know that's skinny, but I still feel like my thighs and calves are disgusting. I used to hate having a huge ass, but now it's awesome. You can't possibly be anorexic with an ass like mine. It's a good cover up! Heeeeee. Usually I would binge after seeing the numbers I saw today, but I'm gunna try to stay strong and keep it low. Think I'm gunna put on some shorts and go out today! ;)~ Plus, that should keep me from eating.

Fuck Food Fuck Food FUCK FOOD!!!!

Fuck food. Why do I eat? I don't like it. It DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY!!! But I keep doing it. 101.2 lbs. I just want to maintain in the 90's but it's hard. BMI 17.4, so why am I not happy? 17.4 means I'm skinny right? I mean... people are pretty much disgusted by me, but I'm a size 25 (size 0) so who cares. Unnnggghhhh.... I don't know what it is that I want. I do know one thing.... DON'T EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING COLD!!! I was doing it without even realizing that I could tip someone who knew about the signs of anorexia off. I don't want to be sickly and have to hide my body. I want to be able to dress cute. Yesterday I saw a very, very bony woman who was basically wearing a burqa. That's not what I want. But I ate too much already today, and I hate myself. I know this doesn't make sense at all, and that there is no solid topic. Whatever............... I don't want recovery. I just need to be happy. Food doesn't make me happy. I like walking around seeing all the people fatter than me and know that food does make those people happy. And they pay for it everyday that they have to look at those nasty cellulite thighs in the mirror. I'm such a bitch.

Whyyeeee!!!????

Sooooo... I'm back up. BUT!!!!!!! I am taller than I thought. Half an inch taller! 5'4" biatches! Which as you know..... helps bring my BMI down. Currently 103.8 lbs. :( I was maintaining a 99-100 for more than a week. What happened???? I drank and ate a lot over the weekend which shot me up! I'm totally sure. Ugh... so much more going on that I can't talk about right now. Mostly that I cheated on my man's with a WOman. I know...... I'll talk about that later. 3:00pm and no food yet. 99 or nothing as always!

GOAL WEIGHT!!!!!!!

Well, it lasted a day. Does it count? Okay, so all thanks go to a horrible, wretched, wonderful stomach virus that made me incapable of holding down water let alone food. BUT... I kept it down so there! 3 days of 100.something pounds of hot, hot burning love. I feel sooooo.... sexay! Sexy has no money and nowhere to go. Ehhhh................. Food is no good. Gunna go put on a pot of coffee. Payce!

Is Life Good?

Life can be beautiful. I see inspiring stories of these beautiful white people, and their cookie baking grandmas, their dignified war hero grandpas, warm and loving mothers, and more than just provider fathers. They go fishing, camping, and have amazing holiday celebrations together. Don't forget the 20 year old dog who still wags his tail underneath the dinner table.

My life sucks. I have been blessed to have met amazingly intelligent people who I am lucky enough to call friends who have given me some perspective/ability to go on in life a semi-sane, pseudo intellectual. And that's it. Mostly, I've been left to my own devices that usually end up with me on the internet, going crazy, and finding new ways to SI and hate myself since 10 years old.

Fuuuuckkkk...

I feel atleast 20 lbs overweight. I mindlessly pinch, shake, and poke my thighs all day. In public even. On the train. On the bus. In line at the pharmacy chain store.

I hear a girl whisper to her boyfriend, "I want to be that skinny." I was 102.0 lbs that day (lowest this year). She said it (atleast to my fucked up mind) that I was appropriately thin and not too skinny. Sooooo.... I guess I'm fat. 103.2 today. I feel obese. Obese.fat.cow.fuck.

Winning lottery ticket now! I need some cosmetic surgeries....................

The Incessant Belief That I'm Fat and That This Is The Cause of All My Problems

Okay, no more depressing ED psychosis drama. Now, some funny ED facts about meeee.....

Fav foods: brothy soups, celery, egg whites, mustard, cottage cheese, bell peppers

Fav binge foods: sourdough bread, french bread, spaghetti with marinara sauce and lots of parm on top

Fav drinks: diet coke, coffee, vitamin water (boring!!! lol.)

Purge utensils: toothbrush in the bathroom, water straws at restaurants, butterknives in the kitchen

Longest fast: 5 days (master cleanse)

Most BPs in one day: 4

Years EDed: 12 years on and off

Fav diets: raw food, liquid fasts

Fav exercise: powerwalking, jumping jacks, crunches

Oooops gotta go!

More Paranoia Stories......

FUCK.

Soooo... I have paranoia.... possibly. I feel obvious and like everyone knows I have an eating disorder. Mostly (AND ONLY actually) that my arms are stick thin and my top chest ribs are visible. Any thinner and I will not be able to delude myself.

Today another paper thin skinned Ana beauty (possibly the same carnation of Ana that haunts me).... followed me into the same train car today. She came down the escalator into the underground, walked at a certain pace until she saw me, then slowed down, and entered the same car as me. I was standing at first, and I could feel her stare at me. Then I sat down once a seat opened, and she moved seats to get a clear view of me.

I was weak and shakey from restriction/dehydration. I started sucking on altoids to help relieve the pain. I hear a clear voice in my head that says, "purge the altoids." At first I answer, "okay." Then I correct myself, and tell myself 'no! this is crazy!' Ughhhh......

But is it real?!?!?! I'm having such a hard time! Then.... I get shakey again. I couldn't keep my hands still....... take some more altoids...... and the voice in my head says, "spit them out you don't need them."

I didn't. I want to cry. If it is my brain malfunctioning, I would feel so much better as long as I knew THAT was the case. I just want to know the truth.......

What Is This Really About?

Well, I've fucking gone off the deep end. How are you? The other morning I got so angry at myself for being hungry and wanting food that I blended up fat-free cottage cheese and salsa, drank the disgusting concoction, and then purged it. 104.0 after a shit. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I'm NOT 105. But I hate not being..... dead, I guess. I look in the fridge, searching... searching for anything that might make me feel full for once, but give me horrible diarrhea at the same time. I'm really trying to punish myself. For what? I don't know. I'm really not a bad person. I'm pretty selfless, but I feel so worthless. Yeah, I'm wierd, but my friends claim that's what they like about me. But I'm sick of trying to be funny and make people laugh only to get paranoid later on that they were actually laughing at me for being pathetic. Then, I console myself with some bullshit about being thinner than them. Do they care? I hope they fucking do. Ugh... maybe I'm not such a good person after all! Paranoid thinking tells me that everyone hates to see me happy, so when I have a good time they make sure to let me know I'm not shit. Is this true? Is it real? Does everyone have these thoughts?

0.2 pound loss....

So basically the same weight. Ugh.... atleast I'm not gaining. Puke, purge, barf, upchuck. FUCK. Brain, please get that we're poor and can't afford to eat only to throw it up. Loving my arms lately though. They remind me of a praying mantis. Hahahaha..... Fat thighs, fat thighs, fat thighs. Gah! I wonder how much I would weigh if they would just double amputee my thighs away. Like 50 lbs or something? And why did I eat fucking Tostitos? Goddamn it all! Motherfucker! My man is supportive of my horrible eating habits? Before> Me: I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. Don't get me anything. Him 30 mins later: Bought you a taco incase you changed your miiiind! Now> Me: I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. Don't get me anything. Him 30 mins later: I'm scared to let you bite my burrito, because you're going to cry about how fat you are. LOLLLLLL!!!!

:)

Thinnest Girl at the Club

That was meeeee. Okay, so everyone wasn't just normal weight, but they were fat. A bunch of fat white girls. Hahahaha... so maybe it doesn't count. Yeah, it felt pretty good, but I want more. I am really trying to start to accept myself and to be unapologetic for my choices. Hopefully with acceptance of myself, I will find more strength and willpower with this. I feel like a lot of the times when I fail or let myself down it's because I am scared to get sick. I am scared to fully give myself over, because I do want to have a happy, fully functioning life. Oh, MK tell us your secret!! I don't want to wear baggy clothes and hide. So yeah, I can be cute. All the fat bitches can talk as much shit as they want! Fuck a fat bitch! You can dye your hair blonde till it won't grow back, but I guarantee you thin is way more fun! Starting today atleast. Ha. Can't say there won't be bad days, but it's summer and I want to smile. Ughhh.... sooooooooo..... 103.6, and I have to go purge. Scuze meee!

Whoa.

Ok, so that last post doesn't make any sense, because I'm fat. I am a big fat whale, and I deserve to die. I can't believe I would ever entertain for one moment that I would be considered thin by anyone's standards. I had 4 slices of pizza today and purged it immediately. I don't plan on eating anything else for the rest of the day. I will get under 100 if it kills me. I don't care if it's obvious. I don't care if people watch me eat plain lettuce for the rest of my life while my hips look like they are going to slice right through my skin. I don't care what anyone thinks. I know what I want..............

Well, Time to Face the Obvious

Ok, so I'm nowhere near 99. 103.6 lbs. I remember the first time I hit 103 on this latest campaign for perfection. It was so dizzying. I felt sooo thin. Now I feel pregnant. I see this round ass fucking stomach jutting out from the space between my hipbones. Yes, I see those too. Brain!!! You've never been there for me! All you do is analyze everything and everyone, and it's sometimes hilarious but mostly it's painful. I want ECT. Or just to finally be able to look in the mirror and say, "Good job! You have really lost a lot of weight! You could still lose more if you want to, but man, You Rock for what you've accomplished so far!" But instead it's more like, "You stupid bitch. You are worthless and pathetic. Noone likes you, and noone loves you. Noone has, and noone ever will. Your own parents hate you......" Like, who cares if my parents hate me. Really, they're lame, and I am soooo lucky I'm nothing like them. Oh, and update on the schizophrenia... I don't know. I just feel like everywhere I go I hear people whispering about how thin I am. I just don't know what's real anymore. I feel like all the paper thin skinned bony women of the world smile at me when they see me. But they can't see me as one of them....... I'm 103.6 NOT 85. They can't recognize me as one of them. Are these women really there????? Seriously, that's how scared I am that I'm living in the Twilight Zone. Also, I think every man I pass by is either repulsed by my fatness, thinness, or wants to rape me. I live in a constant state of raging insecurity and breath stealing fear. Is everyone just so much more aware of skinny now? Because of all the attention from the media, and all the pornographic images in the ad sideboxes on internet sites? Hahahaha.... man those things suck! AAAhhhhh...... no food!

HEYheyHEYYyy!

Ok, I'm really not that happy. I'm feeling a little better since I purchased some weed a couple of nights ago. I don't smoke and smoke and smoke till it's gone like I used to. Now I take a couple of hits at night which knocks me out. The coffee/diet coke mania is fucking crazy sometimes. I just started smoking again to help get me off the alcoholism kick I was on. In other drug related news, lax and coffee is also amazing. Lax never works for me anymore until I have a cup of coffee. Then, it's on, son! 104.0. Yeah, pretty fucking wack. Atleast I feel like I'm over 105 which was like a plague on my soul. I think 105 is my high fluctuation weight still. I'm very close to breaking free from it forever, though. It sucks that puking is what helped me become successful and that I can't use will power for anything in my life. I woke up at 8:30 today which made me feel like a loser. The playhouse mirror of my mind is making me feel huge today. I feel like my thighs will never be small enough. I'll probably die with bones jutting out everywhere with the hugest thighs still. They'll put my picture in the papers and call me a freak. FML! Stupid binged infront of my man instead of alone, and I had nowhere to run and puke. Binge alone. Binge alone. Binge alone. It's really weird to be fully aware that you are going crazy. I can see myself do all of this in slow motion. I can feel Ana and Mia, my schizophrenic delusions, hug me.

I'm Horrible At This!

103.8. Ummmm.... basically the same. I did go up yesterday to 105.2, but seeing as how I went back down to pretty much the same weight, I'll count it as a fluke. Did realllllly well yesterday day until dinner when I had a major bp. Ate a ton of steak and peas with 2 slices of bread and 2 glasses of wine. Thankfully I puked most of it up. Easier to puke when you're drunk. Ate breakfast today, but it wasn't that bad about 300 calsish. I went powerwalking for 2.5 hours despite cramps which made the walk less powerful, but I still managed to break a little sweat in the cold. I am going to walk for another hour tonight to go to a meeting. But I am definitely going to have a slice of pizza tonight to put on a good show for the other women at the meeting. One slice. They're always talking about how tiny I am which actually makes me more insecure, because, I guess, I'm crazy and lame. Other than that I'm not eating anything else today except maybe a pickle if I get desperate. So altoids it is. I love how they can save you when you feel like fainting. Mmmmmmmm.... So yeah. I am obsessed with pinching my belly fat and rubbing the outside out my hipbones since they are so easy to feel now. Depending on the day I'll even have the points jutting out, and they bruise so easily. I'll get thse 2 little bingo dot sized spots right there. I love it. They're cute to me, and I love pressing on them to feel the dull pain. Ever since I've been getting back down with my weight I notice that I get attention from a different, higher quality set of men. It's pretty sweet and flattering. Although, my ass is still ginormous! Aaahhhhhhh...... am I boring?

Don't Wanna Be a Downer. BUT.....

Okay, the important stuff first. 103.6 today. 102.8 yesterday. Sorry I haven't updated. Sometimes I feel lame and like I'm not focused enough in real life to be able to come on here and be all "I am not gunna eat, blah blah blah...." while fucking up and eating over and over again. Turns out this is all I have. My messed up, sometimes hilariously funny brain. This weekend was a party one for sure, and these days I am hard-pressed to find women thinner than I am. I counted maybe 5, but who knows. I know I'm not fat. But I see fat all over my body. Ugh...... it doesn't make sense anymore. I guess I'm back with the puking. I hate doing it. I feel like I'm going to die from it. I'm not sure how, but it's one of my fears. I prefer eating very tiny meals 3 times a day. Like 200 cal meals would be perfect. I want to be one of those happy, skinny girls. I'm so sick of this self-hatred that motivates me to not eat and the depression that takes away my motivation to live. I used to stare at thin women in the street, but now I can barely stand to look at them fearing I'll give myself away. You can see the bones in my chest now. Somedays you can see my hipbones when I stand (not today, btw). The other day a man in his 30s yelled, "You need to eat." at me. I thought by this point I'd be beaming with confidence and happiness. I'd prance around knowing I was one of the perfect girls. What the fuck is going on?!?!?! I'll write more when I figure it out. 1 cup of ff cottage cheese (160), 1/2 cup of potato salad (190). It never ends, does it??????????

The Good, the Bad, the Fat, and the Ugly

I've gone up. Little bit too much celebrating this weekend. Ugh... How could I do this? 104.4 today. 103.0 yesterday. Why? How? I know I can do it. I did it once, and I can do it again. It's not fun. It's not easy. Today I've had a couple of raisins and a bowl of pho. Salad for dinner. Very little salad. Tomorrow it will be easy to avoid food as I have tons of meetings which will keep my mind distracted. Damn I looked hot at 103. Hahahahahaha.... Funny how 1.4 lbs can feel like 10. Something fucked up my husband said to me yesterday. "Are you proud of me?" "Yes, of course I am," says moi. "Cause you know, I could've decided to bounce." Meaning he could've deserted his son and I, but he didn't. Um.... that's what you're supposed to do asshole. Why do I have to be proud of you for doing what you're supposed to do. Did you just see a hot piece of ass that you think you could be fucking right now if you weren't such a great guy? I hate men..................

What I Want (Thinspo) and a Quick Update!

Okay, so yesterday was NOT so great for eating. 1/2 a cup of left over beef chow mein. 200 cal tub of low-fat cottage cheese. 200 cal can of chicken/rice soup. About 150 cal of Smartpop. And... probably 500-600 cals of chocolate ice cream (my weakness). Even after all that I still managed to lose. 103.6 bitchezzzz! Less than 5 lbs away from my first goal! Since I have been eating like a piggy it must be due to the fact that I'm not drinking alcohol for another month practically. That was a huge calorie cut. So yay me!!!!!!!!!!!!

1000+

Did I really eat 1000+ cals yesterday??!?!! Ummmmm, well most of it was chocolate covered macadamia nuts which I tried to puke right away. It didn't seem to work that well. But today I weighed in at 104.4 lbs. So yay! Today I am being super duper good. I dunno really, but I think I've had 200ish cals at 2:35 pm. Yeee! I've had a pretty good and uneventful day. Hey, don't you just hate when someone complains about how they're starving around you, because it's 2 hours past lunch time and they still haven't eaten? Bitch! You don't know what starving issssss. LOlllllll! Someday I wil have super skinny legs, and I will post them for you bloggggg. Until then...........

May is MINE!

No Cinco de Drinko for me! I quit drinking for the whole month of May, because I will reach my first goal weight of 99 at the end of this month. I was drinking 600+ calories worth of alcohol everyday. Also, I was becoming a mean drunk and passing out unexpectedly which are a couple of signs that you are becoming an alcoholic. Not LOL. I am trying to stay under 500 cals per day which isn't quite working out, but the whole thing is to aim high and fall somewhere acceptable. I haven't been doing well with exercise, but I have been getting more exercise than ever before in my life. Sooooo... yay me! I am putting a positive spin on this whole ED thing. I am tired of hating myself. 105.0 today. 99 or nothing! All of my jeans are saggy on me, so hopefully I get tons of money for my birthday next month for jeans. Just recently purchased my first size 0 denim shorts EVERRR!!!! Tear. All the pain IS worth it. I still can't believe I own a pair of size ZEROs!!!!!!!!

Muthafukka! What the fuck?!

Sorry, blog. I will never neglect you again! What happened? I dunno. 104.4, though. Are you happy? I was skirting around the 106ish last time we were together.

Currently I am on day 2ish of a 3 day celery fast. Eating tons of celery. Yaaaa! Trying desperately not to eat any eggs. Cause we have sharp cheddar. Seriously though, food sucks. Why do I think I like it? Even when I do eat, it's not enjoyable. I remember the days when garlic fries tastes sooooo good. But it doesn't do that for me anymore. It's okay, I guess. But I let food reel me in still, and I'm always disappointed. It always ends up just okay and not worth it.

I am in love with Michael Cera. I mean for masturbatory purposes. Not in real life, suckers! Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

Stuck at home. Thinspo is not doing it for me, and I need some motivation to stay away from the fridge. Gunna go curl my hair! L<3VE, L<3VE, L<3VE you!!!!!

Purge... I guess it's better than not purging

Ahhh.... sorry I haven't been getting to you blog. I feel weird repeating my story on so many different forums and sites. But I know you are most important to me. After having done so well with restricting, last night I bp'ed. I was doing well most of the day, although struggling with urges. Then the magic hour comes. My hubs wanted to go buy alcohol, and I begged him not to. He did anyway, and after two sips of bud light I binged on fried chicken and french fries. It wasn't worth it. It didn't taste good or feel good. It felt so awful even as I was doing it. So I told him I was going to take a bath, and as the water was filling the tub, I purged. Not completely empty though, because I had to be quiet. I feel I got most of it out, though. So basically I'm fucked for knowing my calorie intake for yesterday. Today I weighed in at 105.6 lbs (BMI 18) after a piss and a glass of water because I was super dehydrated. I don't feel good about purging. It's just better than nothing. Restricting is what gets me off. When I'm hungry, and I see women eye my body with envy. Well, it's kind of like a drug. Oh geez.... get a life lady!!!!!!!! Under 500 cals is my goal for today. LOOOOVE!!!!!!