Whyyeeee!!!????

Sooooo... I'm back up. BUT!!!!!!! I am taller than I thought. Half an inch taller! 5'4" biatches! Which as you know..... helps bring my BMI down. Currently 103.8 lbs. :( I was maintaining a 99-100 for more than a week. What happened???? I drank and ate a lot over the weekend which shot me up! I'm totally sure. Ugh... so much more going on that I can't talk about right now. Mostly that I cheated on my man's with a WOman. I know...... I'll talk about that later. 3:00pm and no food yet. 99 or nothing as always!

GOAL WEIGHT!!!!!!!

Well, it lasted a day. Does it count? Okay, so all thanks go to a horrible, wretched, wonderful stomach virus that made me incapable of holding down water let alone food. BUT... I kept it down so there! 3 days of 100.something pounds of hot, hot burning love. I feel sooooo.... sexay! Sexy has no money and nowhere to go. Ehhhh................. Food is no good. Gunna go put on a pot of coffee. Payce!

Is Life Good?

Life can be beautiful. I see inspiring stories of these beautiful white people, and their cookie baking grandmas, their dignified war hero grandpas, warm and loving mothers, and more than just provider fathers. They go fishing, camping, and have amazing holiday celebrations together. Don't forget the 20 year old dog who still wags his tail underneath the dinner table.

My life sucks. I have been blessed to have met amazingly intelligent people who I am lucky enough to call friends who have given me some perspective/ability to go on in life a semi-sane, pseudo intellectual. And that's it. Mostly, I've been left to my own devices that usually end up with me on the internet, going crazy, and finding new ways to SI and hate myself since 10 years old.

Fuuuuckkkk...

I feel atleast 20 lbs overweight. I mindlessly pinch, shake, and poke my thighs all day. In public even. On the train. On the bus. In line at the pharmacy chain store.

I hear a girl whisper to her boyfriend, "I want to be that skinny." I was 102.0 lbs that day (lowest this year). She said it (atleast to my fucked up mind) that I was appropriately thin and not too skinny. Sooooo.... I guess I'm fat. 103.2 today. I feel obese. Obese.fat.cow.fuck.

Winning lottery ticket now! I need some cosmetic surgeries....................

The Incessant Belief That I'm Fat and That This Is The Cause of All My Problems

Okay, no more depressing ED psychosis drama. Now, some funny ED facts about meeee.....

Fav foods: brothy soups, celery, egg whites, mustard, cottage cheese, bell peppers

Fav binge foods: sourdough bread, french bread, spaghetti with marinara sauce and lots of parm on top

Fav drinks: diet coke, coffee, vitamin water (boring!!! lol.)

Purge utensils: toothbrush in the bathroom, water straws at restaurants, butterknives in the kitchen

Longest fast: 5 days (master cleanse)

Most BPs in one day: 4

Years EDed: 12 years on and off

Fav diets: raw food, liquid fasts

Fav exercise: powerwalking, jumping jacks, crunches

Oooops gotta go!

More Paranoia Stories......

FUCK.

Soooo... I have paranoia.... possibly. I feel obvious and like everyone knows I have an eating disorder. Mostly (AND ONLY actually) that my arms are stick thin and my top chest ribs are visible. Any thinner and I will not be able to delude myself.

Today another paper thin skinned Ana beauty (possibly the same carnation of Ana that haunts me).... followed me into the same train car today. She came down the escalator into the underground, walked at a certain pace until she saw me, then slowed down, and entered the same car as me. I was standing at first, and I could feel her stare at me. Then I sat down once a seat opened, and she moved seats to get a clear view of me.

I was weak and shakey from restriction/dehydration. I started sucking on altoids to help relieve the pain. I hear a clear voice in my head that says, "purge the altoids." At first I answer, "okay." Then I correct myself, and tell myself 'no! this is crazy!' Ughhhh......

But is it real?!?!?! I'm having such a hard time! Then.... I get shakey again. I couldn't keep my hands still....... take some more altoids...... and the voice in my head says, "spit them out you don't need them."

I didn't. I want to cry. If it is my brain malfunctioning, I would feel so much better as long as I knew THAT was the case. I just want to know the truth.......

What Is This Really About?

Well, I've fucking gone off the deep end. How are you? The other morning I got so angry at myself for being hungry and wanting food that I blended up fat-free cottage cheese and salsa, drank the disgusting concoction, and then purged it. 104.0 after a shit. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I'm NOT 105. But I hate not being..... dead, I guess. I look in the fridge, searching... searching for anything that might make me feel full for once, but give me horrible diarrhea at the same time. I'm really trying to punish myself. For what? I don't know. I'm really not a bad person. I'm pretty selfless, but I feel so worthless. Yeah, I'm wierd, but my friends claim that's what they like about me. But I'm sick of trying to be funny and make people laugh only to get paranoid later on that they were actually laughing at me for being pathetic. Then, I console myself with some bullshit about being thinner than them. Do they care? I hope they fucking do. Ugh... maybe I'm not such a good person after all! Paranoid thinking tells me that everyone hates to see me happy, so when I have a good time they make sure to let me know I'm not shit. Is this true? Is it real? Does everyone have these thoughts?

0.2 pound loss....

So basically the same weight. Ugh.... atleast I'm not gaining. Puke, purge, barf, upchuck. FUCK. Brain, please get that we're poor and can't afford to eat only to throw it up. Loving my arms lately though. They remind me of a praying mantis. Hahahaha..... Fat thighs, fat thighs, fat thighs. Gah! I wonder how much I would weigh if they would just double amputee my thighs away. Like 50 lbs or something? And why did I eat fucking Tostitos? Goddamn it all! Motherfucker! My man is supportive of my horrible eating habits? Before> Me: I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. Don't get me anything. Him 30 mins later: Bought you a taco incase you changed your miiiind! Now> Me: I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. Don't get me anything. Him 30 mins later: I'm scared to let you bite my burrito, because you're going to cry about how fat you are. LOLLLLLL!!!!

:)