Went out last night! Fun, fun, fun. Except I'm crazy and paranoid. I want men to want me, but I'm scared to death of them which leads to ackward drunk encounters. I dance, smile, have fun, but when they come to me I freeze. I can't even be the off-limits temptress of my fantasies. I wanna be the kind of girl every guy hopes to find after he meets me. What a loser. I'm a loser. 99.0 was such a bummer! The scale kept flickering in the 98 range for what felt like a million years only to land on 99.0. Por que? No food, please. 16 bmi here I come!


And I was the skinnest girl.


Happy moment. Where is my happiness?

And why the fuck did I eat a cookie???? What was I thinking?!!

2 days of 99ish. I thought it was 3 days. Too bad my eating is still out of control. Although, I said 2 glasses of wine yesterday, and I stuck to it. Go me. Self-control. Whoo! Hahahaha... I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I need to get to the 16 bmi range. Then I'm going to maintain. Wait.... is this the always a little bit more thing? But no, really. Just a little bit more, and I'll be happy!!! 3:07 pm and I've have 268 calories. :( I think. Hrmmmm... need to keep better track. I hate this. I feel like the fat feeling is so compulsive. I hate being fat, but I'm not fat. I hate being fat. If I wasn't fat, I'd be happy. I'm not happy. That means I'm fat...........

I feel like I'm starting the day horribly. 100.0 which is sad. I was hoping for atleast 3 days of 99 for a self-esteem boost. Then I eat 3 hard-boiled egg whites. PUKE! I didn't puke, but it makes me feel like puking. Oh yeah, did I mention that I stopped that? The potential dental damage mixing with no money or dental insurance=scared straight. My teeth were starting to chip, and I had to pay to get a couple of fillings put back in out of my poor, poor pocket. So no more of that stuff. Although, I'm tempted. Ugh.... seriously there is a voice inside my head. Mostly, I will say it's me. My own voice berating myself, but I get these moments. These times where it's a shrill, desperate voice. Sometimes, it's a soothing, approving voice. I've taken this bullshit concept of Ana and made it real. In my twisted, fucked up brain. Oh yeah, so plan. Plan for today is to maintain a constant state of hunger, but I will be nibbling here and there. Keep track of every nibble. :)

Okay, I'm Officially Crazy

Blogging more than once a day means you're crazy, right?!?!?! It's got to! Okay, so I have decided that I don't care. I know I keep saying this. I like being skinny. I know it makes some people mad. They feel a woman's body should be soft and curvy. I don't care. I'm not going to hide myself. I know I keep saying this! I look unnaturally skinny and possibly 12 years old. I don't care. I see so many thin women wearing way too many clothes. It's a nice day! Free yourselves. LOL. ;)~

Ooohhhh.....

So I'm all over the place. Different forums and such. Decided to keep a food diary elsewhere to try to get in control of my 'overeating.' Lost weight immediately. 99.4 lbs today! BMI 17.1. Whoo hoo! I know that's skinny, but I still feel like my thighs and calves are disgusting. I used to hate having a huge ass, but now it's awesome. You can't possibly be anorexic with an ass like mine. It's a good cover up! Heeeeee. Usually I would binge after seeing the numbers I saw today, but I'm gunna try to stay strong and keep it low. Think I'm gunna put on some shorts and go out today! ;)~ Plus, that should keep me from eating.

Fuck Food Fuck Food FUCK FOOD!!!!

Fuck food. Why do I eat? I don't like it. It DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY!!! But I keep doing it. 101.2 lbs. I just want to maintain in the 90's but it's hard. BMI 17.4, so why am I not happy? 17.4 means I'm skinny right? I mean... people are pretty much disgusted by me, but I'm a size 25 (size 0) so who cares. Unnnggghhhh.... I don't know what it is that I want. I do know one thing.... DON'T EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING COLD!!! I was doing it without even realizing that I could tip someone who knew about the signs of anorexia off. I don't want to be sickly and have to hide my body. I want to be able to dress cute. Yesterday I saw a very, very bony woman who was basically wearing a burqa. That's not what I want. But I ate too much already today, and I hate myself. I know this doesn't make sense at all, and that there is no solid topic. Whatever............... I don't want recovery. I just need to be happy. Food doesn't make me happy. I like walking around seeing all the people fatter than me and know that food does make those people happy. And they pay for it everyday that they have to look at those nasty cellulite thighs in the mirror. I'm such a bitch.