Fast Failure =(

Day 2 was going great till about 9:30, my magic binge time, where I loaded up on a 1/2 lb steak and raw celery and carrots (with a balsamic/mustard dipping sauce). And that failure is proof that I do not suffer from anorexia. Anorexics have a hard time eating, not a hard time not eating. And that's why I label myself as an extreme dieter. I do this, because I want to be thin. I think thin is beautiful. I feel like if I were to reach my weightloss goals that my hubbly bubbly would never leave me. How could he? Wouldn't I be the perfect image of a sacrifice, control and dedication? It seems so noble to me to be thin. I don't trust fat people. They are loud and obnoxious. They're always barging around everywhere and force their opinions on everything down your throat. Isn't always the fat wo/man making a scene in public? Isn't always the fat person that has to bring a complaint to human resources in a rude manner? They demand of you what they themselves can't provide in relationships. They're takers of more than they deserve. That's how they got so big in the first place isn't it? They know they should only have one cookie, but they take three, five, ten! because they can't stop themselves even if it's for the good of themselves. And I don't want to be that! I want to be the opposite of that. I want to be good, giving, forgiving, kind, respectful, intelligent. Although, I hate ProAna for being accessible to minors and don't consider myself ana I would die without the ProAna online community. They are some of the most intelligent and kind women I've ever spoken with even if it is only online! Everyone seems so well rounded, and I feel so connected to every one of them. Today, I might eat a little sushi for New Years Eve dinner, and that's only a maybe. I hope to get away with not eating anything. I weighed in at 106.0 this morning. Love you!!

The Half-eaten Burger from Yesterday is Calling for Me

Welllll.... Are you wondering how I did on day 1 of my liquids only fast? I passed! I can't say it was easy. I did start to struggle around 9:30 (typical binge/purge time) till I passed out, but I did it! I didn't keep track, but it must have been below 200 cals. I didn't lose though. =( Still 106.8 today. Sigh... I am flatter on my tummy, but to go through such extremes for a superficial thing like that sucks. The number on that scale is what really gets me off.

I've been a cleaning fiend today. Last night I cooked my boy a burger pattie, and he only ate half of it. I'm scared to even throw it away, because once I get my hands on that plate who knows what will happen. Not that I'm hungry! I don't feel hungry at all, but I feel like this automatic response to food I have (gorging) will kick in. To avoid this I've been cleaning every time that burger pops into my mind. Ugh. My energy is very uppety. I'm scared. We have a visitor later on, and I don't want to come off as a hot manic mess.

I don't really have that much to write today. I just plan on sticking this out through this day and through tomorrow. I am so frickin determined! It's like tunnel vision. I've gotten so many things done just trying to keep my mind off food, including you blog. You are saving me. Just to know I have to be accountable to you helps me sooooo much. Love!!!!!!!!!

Thinspo and the Liquid Fast

Starting my liquid fast today. I can already tell that today will be an easy one. Can't say what tomorrow will bring, though. My plan is beef broth and water today since I already drank coffee and took some SlimQuik Extreme. I was going to take some lax, but that problem resolved on its own. LOL :X

Soooo.... thinspo drama. I have been looking at some extreme thinspo lately, because I find it inspiring NOT because I want to be like that. If those women want that and achieve it then good for them. I don't want that for myself though. BUTTTT.... I think my hubby thinks I want to look like that which led to a pretty big fight which could have led to the end of my life as I know it. If I can't restrict freely it would be too stressful. I had to promise him that I would not go below 100 lbs. I actually want to be in the 90's. 95 is the lowest I will let myself go, because I have a son and he comes first. If I can't be there for him, then I'm a failure and that is NOT perfection. My goal is perfection in all aspects of my life. A part of me tells me that this isn't possible but to chase the impossible while knowing that it can't be achieved is harmless, right?!?! But on a certain level I have to believe it CAN be achieved because to think otherwise leaves too much room for error. Does that make sense?

Anywho, it's 12:30pm and so far so good. 3 days of the liquid fast and then I will start to introduce some raw veggies into my diet while I think of where to go next with this calculated madness. :) Love Love Love Love Love

P.S. Just weighed in at 107.4 lbs (5'4)

Mania, Christmas, and Normalcy

Some people only know when they are depressed and are blissfully ignorant during states of mania. Not I! When I'm cleaning behind the stove with toothpicks, rambling on about some topic where I am suddenly an expert, and snapping at my partner whenever he insists on interjecting, I know. When I'm jumping up and down on my bed while calling my parents and trying to get them to give me $10,000 to invest in stocks, I know. I enjoy mania, and I can always laugh at myself afterwards. Sometimes.... it's scary. And I know it's not good for my babe to see, and I risk him getting on my cycles. But I know normal isn't real. No one's normal! We all break our backs pretending to be normal. I blame George Bush. It's going to be hard to undo all this normal nonsense. We're all different. We all have our quirks! So when my boyfriend panicked when I put one tablespoon of weight watchers mac and cheese and one cut of prime rib on my plate, didn't finish it, and threw it in the trash without hiding it, I saw it as an act of rebellion against "normal." In fact, he even said to me, "that's not normal." Ew! And I guess the way they were stuffing their faces was normal?! As if! It was soooo gross! Why is Christmas about gorging yourself? I don't feel obligated to do so, and it feels good. I want to be thin. There's nothing wrong with that. I won't annoy people who think it's stupid by rubbing it in their face, but I can't pretend like all those people who don't starve themselves are normal. We.all.have.our.issues.period. Ugh. 107.8 lbs today. 8 lbs to go to reach my first goal! Starting a liquid fast tomorrow. =) Write more tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Diary of a Loser

Oh, I'll never get any followers. Fuck me. I'm no leader! Who the fuck am I? Why was I born? To be miserable forever? I suppose. It seems like any time I try to be happy that it offends someone who makes it their goal to shut me down, shut me off, shut me up. Fuck this all, but it worked. Now what's left? A me who is obsessed with the thought that my man will cheat on me if I don't lose weight. A me who is scared of everything. A me who shouts in her head to ward off all the bad thoughts. A me who is bulemic. A me who is anorexic. A me who is fat and worthless. A me who can only love in a state of obnoxious mania. I can't love without smothering. I can't love without being hysterical about it. Then I'm a depressed recluse. What kind of a mother am I? How can I live like this? Who did this to me? AAAAGGGGHHHHHH..... Okay, I feel a bit better. =/ 2010, please be kind.......

I'm 25 years old. A mother. A lover. A friend. I like to make people laugh, I'm a good listener, I see the crazy in everyone to make myself feel better, and I am scared shitless of just about everything. But I charge into things headfirst regardless of these fears totally disregarding sometimes that my fears might be legitimate. I can't tell the difference anymore. Trust noone. I didn't make that up! Criminals get it tattooed on their bodies. If anyone knows anything it's that the days keep coming, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a fat ass. I guess this is a diet diary of sorts. Today I am 5'4 and 110 lbs. Be kind. I am an athiest. I believe in goodness. I think people really want to be kind and generous, but they keep compulsively passing on the pain that was passed onto them in the human legacy of loneliness. Who was the first to hurt? Why am I fat? Does he love me? I can't tell anymore. I used to know. Why don't I know anymore. Where did my sense of reality go? Am I completely off my rocker? Why does he hold me as his prisoner? He doesn't even know it honestly. Maybe he does now, but he doesn't want it. I know it. I can tell. In fact, he wants to rely on me! How did we find each other?! We are as ill fit as a couple of gay men who both want to be the one on the bottom! Isn't it true? We both want to be the one that is saved and not the savior. I'm convinced Jesus never existed at all. If I had a bit of chocolate right now, I might feel so much better. If it were real hot chocolate. Noone makes real hot chocolate anymore. I think that's how you know where the world is heading. The fact that something as beautiful as real hot chocolate is being fazed out for the crap that all these "gourmet" joints put out. I won't be eating for the rest of the day, but I will drink a few calories. Not alcohol. It makes me weak. I've been binging and purging for about a week now. I was restricting and got down to 104 lbs, but I lost it. Help me find it blog! I must be going now. Love you!