Diary of a Loser

Oh, I'll never get any followers. Fuck me. I'm no leader! Who the fuck am I? Why was I born? To be miserable forever? I suppose. It seems like any time I try to be happy that it offends someone who makes it their goal to shut me down, shut me off, shut me up. Fuck this all, but it worked. Now what's left? A me who is obsessed with the thought that my man will cheat on me if I don't lose weight. A me who is scared of everything. A me who shouts in her head to ward off all the bad thoughts. A me who is bulemic. A me who is anorexic. A me who is fat and worthless. A me who can only love in a state of obnoxious mania. I can't love without smothering. I can't love without being hysterical about it. Then I'm a depressed recluse. What kind of a mother am I? How can I live like this? Who did this to me? AAAAGGGGHHHHHH..... Okay, I feel a bit better. =/ 2010, please be kind.......

I'm 25 years old. A mother. A lover. A friend. I like to make people laugh, I'm a good listener, I see the crazy in everyone to make myself feel better, and I am scared shitless of just about everything. But I charge into things headfirst regardless of these fears totally disregarding sometimes that my fears might be legitimate. I can't tell the difference anymore. Trust noone. I didn't make that up! Criminals get it tattooed on their bodies. If anyone knows anything it's that the days keep coming, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a fat ass. I guess this is a diet diary of sorts. Today I am 5'4 and 110 lbs. Be kind. I am an athiest. I believe in goodness. I think people really want to be kind and generous, but they keep compulsively passing on the pain that was passed onto them in the human legacy of loneliness. Who was the first to hurt? Why am I fat? Does he love me? I can't tell anymore. I used to know. Why don't I know anymore. Where did my sense of reality go? Am I completely off my rocker? Why does he hold me as his prisoner? He doesn't even know it honestly. Maybe he does now, but he doesn't want it. I know it. I can tell. In fact, he wants to rely on me! How did we find each other?! We are as ill fit as a couple of gay men who both want to be the one on the bottom! Isn't it true? We both want to be the one that is saved and not the savior. I'm convinced Jesus never existed at all. If I had a bit of chocolate right now, I might feel so much better. If it were real hot chocolate. Noone makes real hot chocolate anymore. I think that's how you know where the world is heading. The fact that something as beautiful as real hot chocolate is being fazed out for the crap that all these "gourmet" joints put out. I won't be eating for the rest of the day, but I will drink a few calories. Not alcohol. It makes me weak. I've been binging and purging for about a week now. I was restricting and got down to 104 lbs, but I lost it. Help me find it blog! I must be going now. Love you!