Thinnest Girl at the Club

That was meeeee. Okay, so everyone wasn't just normal weight, but they were fat. A bunch of fat white girls. Hahahaha... so maybe it doesn't count. Yeah, it felt pretty good, but I want more. I am really trying to start to accept myself and to be unapologetic for my choices. Hopefully with acceptance of myself, I will find more strength and willpower with this. I feel like a lot of the times when I fail or let myself down it's because I am scared to get sick. I am scared to fully give myself over, because I do want to have a happy, fully functioning life. Oh, MK tell us your secret!! I don't want to wear baggy clothes and hide. So yeah, I can be cute. All the fat bitches can talk as much shit as they want! Fuck a fat bitch! You can dye your hair blonde till it won't grow back, but I guarantee you thin is way more fun! Starting today atleast. Ha. Can't say there won't be bad days, but it's summer and I want to smile. Ughhh.... sooooooooo..... 103.6, and I have to go purge. Scuze meee!

Whoa.

Ok, so that last post doesn't make any sense, because I'm fat. I am a big fat whale, and I deserve to die. I can't believe I would ever entertain for one moment that I would be considered thin by anyone's standards. I had 4 slices of pizza today and purged it immediately. I don't plan on eating anything else for the rest of the day. I will get under 100 if it kills me. I don't care if it's obvious. I don't care if people watch me eat plain lettuce for the rest of my life while my hips look like they are going to slice right through my skin. I don't care what anyone thinks. I know what I want..............

Well, Time to Face the Obvious

Ok, so I'm nowhere near 99. 103.6 lbs. I remember the first time I hit 103 on this latest campaign for perfection. It was so dizzying. I felt sooo thin. Now I feel pregnant. I see this round ass fucking stomach jutting out from the space between my hipbones. Yes, I see those too. Brain!!! You've never been there for me! All you do is analyze everything and everyone, and it's sometimes hilarious but mostly it's painful. I want ECT. Or just to finally be able to look in the mirror and say, "Good job! You have really lost a lot of weight! You could still lose more if you want to, but man, You Rock for what you've accomplished so far!" But instead it's more like, "You stupid bitch. You are worthless and pathetic. Noone likes you, and noone loves you. Noone has, and noone ever will. Your own parents hate you......" Like, who cares if my parents hate me. Really, they're lame, and I am soooo lucky I'm nothing like them. Oh, and update on the schizophrenia... I don't know. I just feel like everywhere I go I hear people whispering about how thin I am. I just don't know what's real anymore. I feel like all the paper thin skinned bony women of the world smile at me when they see me. But they can't see me as one of them....... I'm 103.6 NOT 85. They can't recognize me as one of them. Are these women really there????? Seriously, that's how scared I am that I'm living in the Twilight Zone. Also, I think every man I pass by is either repulsed by my fatness, thinness, or wants to rape me. I live in a constant state of raging insecurity and breath stealing fear. Is everyone just so much more aware of skinny now? Because of all the attention from the media, and all the pornographic images in the ad sideboxes on internet sites? Hahahaha.... man those things suck! AAAhhhhh...... no food!

HEYheyHEYYyy!

Ok, I'm really not that happy. I'm feeling a little better since I purchased some weed a couple of nights ago. I don't smoke and smoke and smoke till it's gone like I used to. Now I take a couple of hits at night which knocks me out. The coffee/diet coke mania is fucking crazy sometimes. I just started smoking again to help get me off the alcoholism kick I was on. In other drug related news, lax and coffee is also amazing. Lax never works for me anymore until I have a cup of coffee. Then, it's on, son! 104.0. Yeah, pretty fucking wack. Atleast I feel like I'm over 105 which was like a plague on my soul. I think 105 is my high fluctuation weight still. I'm very close to breaking free from it forever, though. It sucks that puking is what helped me become successful and that I can't use will power for anything in my life. I woke up at 8:30 today which made me feel like a loser. The playhouse mirror of my mind is making me feel huge today. I feel like my thighs will never be small enough. I'll probably die with bones jutting out everywhere with the hugest thighs still. They'll put my picture in the papers and call me a freak. FML! Stupid binged infront of my man instead of alone, and I had nowhere to run and puke. Binge alone. Binge alone. Binge alone. It's really weird to be fully aware that you are going crazy. I can see myself do all of this in slow motion. I can feel Ana and Mia, my schizophrenic delusions, hug me.

I'm Horrible At This!

103.8. Ummmm.... basically the same. I did go up yesterday to 105.2, but seeing as how I went back down to pretty much the same weight, I'll count it as a fluke. Did realllllly well yesterday day until dinner when I had a major bp. Ate a ton of steak and peas with 2 slices of bread and 2 glasses of wine. Thankfully I puked most of it up. Easier to puke when you're drunk. Ate breakfast today, but it wasn't that bad about 300 calsish. I went powerwalking for 2.5 hours despite cramps which made the walk less powerful, but I still managed to break a little sweat in the cold. I am going to walk for another hour tonight to go to a meeting. But I am definitely going to have a slice of pizza tonight to put on a good show for the other women at the meeting. One slice. They're always talking about how tiny I am which actually makes me more insecure, because, I guess, I'm crazy and lame. Other than that I'm not eating anything else today except maybe a pickle if I get desperate. So altoids it is. I love how they can save you when you feel like fainting. Mmmmmmmm.... So yeah. I am obsessed with pinching my belly fat and rubbing the outside out my hipbones since they are so easy to feel now. Depending on the day I'll even have the points jutting out, and they bruise so easily. I'll get thse 2 little bingo dot sized spots right there. I love it. They're cute to me, and I love pressing on them to feel the dull pain. Ever since I've been getting back down with my weight I notice that I get attention from a different, higher quality set of men. It's pretty sweet and flattering. Although, my ass is still ginormous! Aaahhhhhhh...... am I boring?

Don't Wanna Be a Downer. BUT.....

Okay, the important stuff first. 103.6 today. 102.8 yesterday. Sorry I haven't updated. Sometimes I feel lame and like I'm not focused enough in real life to be able to come on here and be all "I am not gunna eat, blah blah blah...." while fucking up and eating over and over again. Turns out this is all I have. My messed up, sometimes hilariously funny brain. This weekend was a party one for sure, and these days I am hard-pressed to find women thinner than I am. I counted maybe 5, but who knows. I know I'm not fat. But I see fat all over my body. Ugh...... it doesn't make sense anymore. I guess I'm back with the puking. I hate doing it. I feel like I'm going to die from it. I'm not sure how, but it's one of my fears. I prefer eating very tiny meals 3 times a day. Like 200 cal meals would be perfect. I want to be one of those happy, skinny girls. I'm so sick of this self-hatred that motivates me to not eat and the depression that takes away my motivation to live. I used to stare at thin women in the street, but now I can barely stand to look at them fearing I'll give myself away. You can see the bones in my chest now. Somedays you can see my hipbones when I stand (not today, btw). The other day a man in his 30s yelled, "You need to eat." at me. I thought by this point I'd be beaming with confidence and happiness. I'd prance around knowing I was one of the perfect girls. What the fuck is going on?!?!?! I'll write more when I figure it out. 1 cup of ff cottage cheese (160), 1/2 cup of potato salad (190). It never ends, does it??????????

The Good, the Bad, the Fat, and the Ugly

I've gone up. Little bit too much celebrating this weekend. Ugh... How could I do this? 104.4 today. 103.0 yesterday. Why? How? I know I can do it. I did it once, and I can do it again. It's not fun. It's not easy. Today I've had a couple of raisins and a bowl of pho. Salad for dinner. Very little salad. Tomorrow it will be easy to avoid food as I have tons of meetings which will keep my mind distracted. Damn I looked hot at 103. Hahahahahaha.... Funny how 1.4 lbs can feel like 10. Something fucked up my husband said to me yesterday. "Are you proud of me?" "Yes, of course I am," says moi. "Cause you know, I could've decided to bounce." Meaning he could've deserted his son and I, but he didn't. Um.... that's what you're supposed to do asshole. Why do I have to be proud of you for doing what you're supposed to do. Did you just see a hot piece of ass that you think you could be fucking right now if you weren't such a great guy? I hate men..................

What I Want (Thinspo) and a Quick Update!

Okay, so yesterday was NOT so great for eating. 1/2 a cup of left over beef chow mein. 200 cal tub of low-fat cottage cheese. 200 cal can of chicken/rice soup. About 150 cal of Smartpop. And... probably 500-600 cals of chocolate ice cream (my weakness). Even after all that I still managed to lose. 103.6 bitchezzzz! Less than 5 lbs away from my first goal! Since I have been eating like a piggy it must be due to the fact that I'm not drinking alcohol for another month practically. That was a huge calorie cut. So yay me!!!!!!!!!!!!

1000+

Did I really eat 1000+ cals yesterday??!?!! Ummmmm, well most of it was chocolate covered macadamia nuts which I tried to puke right away. It didn't seem to work that well. But today I weighed in at 104.4 lbs. So yay! Today I am being super duper good. I dunno really, but I think I've had 200ish cals at 2:35 pm. Yeee! I've had a pretty good and uneventful day. Hey, don't you just hate when someone complains about how they're starving around you, because it's 2 hours past lunch time and they still haven't eaten? Bitch! You don't know what starving issssss. LOlllllll! Someday I wil have super skinny legs, and I will post them for you bloggggg. Until then...........

May is MINE!

No Cinco de Drinko for me! I quit drinking for the whole month of May, because I will reach my first goal weight of 99 at the end of this month. I was drinking 600+ calories worth of alcohol everyday. Also, I was becoming a mean drunk and passing out unexpectedly which are a couple of signs that you are becoming an alcoholic. Not LOL. I am trying to stay under 500 cals per day which isn't quite working out, but the whole thing is to aim high and fall somewhere acceptable. I haven't been doing well with exercise, but I have been getting more exercise than ever before in my life. Sooooo... yay me! I am putting a positive spin on this whole ED thing. I am tired of hating myself. 105.0 today. 99 or nothing! All of my jeans are saggy on me, so hopefully I get tons of money for my birthday next month for jeans. Just recently purchased my first size 0 denim shorts EVERRR!!!! Tear. All the pain IS worth it. I still can't believe I own a pair of size ZEROs!!!!!!!!