Ok, I'm really not that happy. I'm feeling a little better since I purchased some weed a couple of nights ago. I don't smoke and smoke and smoke till it's gone like I used to. Now I take a couple of hits at night which knocks me out. The coffee/diet coke mania is fucking crazy sometimes. I just started smoking again to help get me off the alcoholism kick I was on. In other drug related news, lax and coffee is also amazing. Lax never works for me anymore until I have a cup of coffee. Then, it's on, son! 104.0. Yeah, pretty fucking wack. Atleast I feel like I'm over 105 which was like a plague on my soul. I think 105 is my high fluctuation weight still. I'm very close to breaking free from it forever, though. It sucks that puking is what helped me become successful and that I can't use will power for anything in my life. I woke up at 8:30 today which made me feel like a loser. The playhouse mirror of my mind is making me feel huge today. I feel like my thighs will never be small enough. I'll probably die with bones jutting out everywhere with the hugest thighs still. They'll put my picture in the papers and call me a freak. FML! Stupid binged infront of my man instead of alone, and I had nowhere to run and puke. Binge alone. Binge alone. Binge alone. It's really weird to be fully aware that you are going crazy. I can see myself do all of this in slow motion. I can feel Ana and Mia, my schizophrenic delusions, hug me.
:) this made me smile in a strange way.. keep going x Love Panda
ReplyDeleteAh, yeah I know what you mean about the binging. Binging is a pretty private affair for me, so doing it in public is like... shaving my legs out on the sidewalk.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're doing so well so far! I wish I was your weight already.. It just can't come fast enough.