Don't Wanna Be a Downer. BUT.....

Okay, the important stuff first. 103.6 today. 102.8 yesterday. Sorry I haven't updated. Sometimes I feel lame and like I'm not focused enough in real life to be able to come on here and be all "I am not gunna eat, blah blah blah...." while fucking up and eating over and over again. Turns out this is all I have. My messed up, sometimes hilariously funny brain. This weekend was a party one for sure, and these days I am hard-pressed to find women thinner than I am. I counted maybe 5, but who knows. I know I'm not fat. But I see fat all over my body. Ugh...... it doesn't make sense anymore. I guess I'm back with the puking. I hate doing it. I feel like I'm going to die from it. I'm not sure how, but it's one of my fears. I prefer eating very tiny meals 3 times a day. Like 200 cal meals would be perfect. I want to be one of those happy, skinny girls. I'm so sick of this self-hatred that motivates me to not eat and the depression that takes away my motivation to live. I used to stare at thin women in the street, but now I can barely stand to look at them fearing I'll give myself away. You can see the bones in my chest now. Somedays you can see my hipbones when I stand (not today, btw). The other day a man in his 30s yelled, "You need to eat." at me. I thought by this point I'd be beaming with confidence and happiness. I'd prance around knowing I was one of the perfect girls. What the fuck is going on?!?!?! I'll write more when I figure it out. 1 cup of ff cottage cheese (160), 1/2 cup of potato salad (190). It never ends, does it??????????