FUCK.
Soooo... I have paranoia.... possibly. I feel obvious and like everyone knows I have an eating disorder. Mostly (AND ONLY actually) that my arms are stick thin and my top chest ribs are visible. Any thinner and I will not be able to delude myself.
Today another paper thin skinned Ana beauty (possibly the same carnation of Ana that haunts me).... followed me into the same train car today. She came down the escalator into the underground, walked at a certain pace until she saw me, then slowed down, and entered the same car as me. I was standing at first, and I could feel her stare at me. Then I sat down once a seat opened, and she moved seats to get a clear view of me.
I was weak and shakey from restriction/dehydration. I started sucking on altoids to help relieve the pain. I hear a clear voice in my head that says, "purge the altoids." At first I answer, "okay." Then I correct myself, and tell myself 'no! this is crazy!' Ughhhh......
But is it real?!?!?! I'm having such a hard time! Then.... I get shakey again. I couldn't keep my hands still....... take some more altoids...... and the voice in my head says, "spit them out you don't need them."
I didn't. I want to cry. If it is my brain malfunctioning, I would feel so much better as long as I knew THAT was the case. I just want to know the truth.......
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