What Is This Really About?

Well, I've fucking gone off the deep end. How are you? The other morning I got so angry at myself for being hungry and wanting food that I blended up fat-free cottage cheese and salsa, drank the disgusting concoction, and then purged it. 104.0 after a shit. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I'm NOT 105. But I hate not being..... dead, I guess. I look in the fridge, searching... searching for anything that might make me feel full for once, but give me horrible diarrhea at the same time. I'm really trying to punish myself. For what? I don't know. I'm really not a bad person. I'm pretty selfless, but I feel so worthless. Yeah, I'm wierd, but my friends claim that's what they like about me. But I'm sick of trying to be funny and make people laugh only to get paranoid later on that they were actually laughing at me for being pathetic. Then, I console myself with some bullshit about being thinner than them. Do they care? I hope they fucking do. Ugh... maybe I'm not such a good person after all! Paranoid thinking tells me that everyone hates to see me happy, so when I have a good time they make sure to let me know I'm not shit. Is this true? Is it real? Does everyone have these thoughts?