More Paranoia Stories......

FUCK.

Soooo... I have paranoia.... possibly. I feel obvious and like everyone knows I have an eating disorder. Mostly (AND ONLY actually) that my arms are stick thin and my top chest ribs are visible. Any thinner and I will not be able to delude myself.

Today another paper thin skinned Ana beauty (possibly the same carnation of Ana that haunts me).... followed me into the same train car today. She came down the escalator into the underground, walked at a certain pace until she saw me, then slowed down, and entered the same car as me. I was standing at first, and I could feel her stare at me. Then I sat down once a seat opened, and she moved seats to get a clear view of me.

I was weak and shakey from restriction/dehydration. I started sucking on altoids to help relieve the pain. I hear a clear voice in my head that says, "purge the altoids." At first I answer, "okay." Then I correct myself, and tell myself 'no! this is crazy!' Ughhhh......

But is it real?!?!?! I'm having such a hard time! Then.... I get shakey again. I couldn't keep my hands still....... take some more altoids...... and the voice in my head says, "spit them out you don't need them."

I didn't. I want to cry. If it is my brain malfunctioning, I would feel so much better as long as I knew THAT was the case. I just want to know the truth.......

What Is This Really About?

Well, I've fucking gone off the deep end. How are you? The other morning I got so angry at myself for being hungry and wanting food that I blended up fat-free cottage cheese and salsa, drank the disgusting concoction, and then purged it. 104.0 after a shit. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I'm NOT 105. But I hate not being..... dead, I guess. I look in the fridge, searching... searching for anything that might make me feel full for once, but give me horrible diarrhea at the same time. I'm really trying to punish myself. For what? I don't know. I'm really not a bad person. I'm pretty selfless, but I feel so worthless. Yeah, I'm wierd, but my friends claim that's what they like about me. But I'm sick of trying to be funny and make people laugh only to get paranoid later on that they were actually laughing at me for being pathetic. Then, I console myself with some bullshit about being thinner than them. Do they care? I hope they fucking do. Ugh... maybe I'm not such a good person after all! Paranoid thinking tells me that everyone hates to see me happy, so when I have a good time they make sure to let me know I'm not shit. Is this true? Is it real? Does everyone have these thoughts?

0.2 pound loss....

So basically the same weight. Ugh.... atleast I'm not gaining. Puke, purge, barf, upchuck. FUCK. Brain, please get that we're poor and can't afford to eat only to throw it up. Loving my arms lately though. They remind me of a praying mantis. Hahahaha..... Fat thighs, fat thighs, fat thighs. Gah! I wonder how much I would weigh if they would just double amputee my thighs away. Like 50 lbs or something? And why did I eat fucking Tostitos? Goddamn it all! Motherfucker! My man is supportive of my horrible eating habits? Before> Me: I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. Don't get me anything. Him 30 mins later: Bought you a taco incase you changed your miiiind! Now> Me: I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. Don't get me anything. Him 30 mins later: I'm scared to let you bite my burrito, because you're going to cry about how fat you are. LOLLLLLL!!!!

:)

Thinnest Girl at the Club

That was meeeee. Okay, so everyone wasn't just normal weight, but they were fat. A bunch of fat white girls. Hahahaha... so maybe it doesn't count. Yeah, it felt pretty good, but I want more. I am really trying to start to accept myself and to be unapologetic for my choices. Hopefully with acceptance of myself, I will find more strength and willpower with this. I feel like a lot of the times when I fail or let myself down it's because I am scared to get sick. I am scared to fully give myself over, because I do want to have a happy, fully functioning life. Oh, MK tell us your secret!! I don't want to wear baggy clothes and hide. So yeah, I can be cute. All the fat bitches can talk as much shit as they want! Fuck a fat bitch! You can dye your hair blonde till it won't grow back, but I guarantee you thin is way more fun! Starting today atleast. Ha. Can't say there won't be bad days, but it's summer and I want to smile. Ughhh.... sooooooooo..... 103.6, and I have to go purge. Scuze meee!

Whoa.

Ok, so that last post doesn't make any sense, because I'm fat. I am a big fat whale, and I deserve to die. I can't believe I would ever entertain for one moment that I would be considered thin by anyone's standards. I had 4 slices of pizza today and purged it immediately. I don't plan on eating anything else for the rest of the day. I will get under 100 if it kills me. I don't care if it's obvious. I don't care if people watch me eat plain lettuce for the rest of my life while my hips look like they are going to slice right through my skin. I don't care what anyone thinks. I know what I want..............

Well, Time to Face the Obvious

Ok, so I'm nowhere near 99. 103.6 lbs. I remember the first time I hit 103 on this latest campaign for perfection. It was so dizzying. I felt sooo thin. Now I feel pregnant. I see this round ass fucking stomach jutting out from the space between my hipbones. Yes, I see those too. Brain!!! You've never been there for me! All you do is analyze everything and everyone, and it's sometimes hilarious but mostly it's painful. I want ECT. Or just to finally be able to look in the mirror and say, "Good job! You have really lost a lot of weight! You could still lose more if you want to, but man, You Rock for what you've accomplished so far!" But instead it's more like, "You stupid bitch. You are worthless and pathetic. Noone likes you, and noone loves you. Noone has, and noone ever will. Your own parents hate you......" Like, who cares if my parents hate me. Really, they're lame, and I am soooo lucky I'm nothing like them. Oh, and update on the schizophrenia... I don't know. I just feel like everywhere I go I hear people whispering about how thin I am. I just don't know what's real anymore. I feel like all the paper thin skinned bony women of the world smile at me when they see me. But they can't see me as one of them....... I'm 103.6 NOT 85. They can't recognize me as one of them. Are these women really there????? Seriously, that's how scared I am that I'm living in the Twilight Zone. Also, I think every man I pass by is either repulsed by my fatness, thinness, or wants to rape me. I live in a constant state of raging insecurity and breath stealing fear. Is everyone just so much more aware of skinny now? Because of all the attention from the media, and all the pornographic images in the ad sideboxes on internet sites? Hahahaha.... man those things suck! AAAhhhhh...... no food!

HEYheyHEYYyy!

Ok, I'm really not that happy. I'm feeling a little better since I purchased some weed a couple of nights ago. I don't smoke and smoke and smoke till it's gone like I used to. Now I take a couple of hits at night which knocks me out. The coffee/diet coke mania is fucking crazy sometimes. I just started smoking again to help get me off the alcoholism kick I was on. In other drug related news, lax and coffee is also amazing. Lax never works for me anymore until I have a cup of coffee. Then, it's on, son! 104.0. Yeah, pretty fucking wack. Atleast I feel like I'm over 105 which was like a plague on my soul. I think 105 is my high fluctuation weight still. I'm very close to breaking free from it forever, though. It sucks that puking is what helped me become successful and that I can't use will power for anything in my life. I woke up at 8:30 today which made me feel like a loser. The playhouse mirror of my mind is making me feel huge today. I feel like my thighs will never be small enough. I'll probably die with bones jutting out everywhere with the hugest thighs still. They'll put my picture in the papers and call me a freak. FML! Stupid binged infront of my man instead of alone, and I had nowhere to run and puke. Binge alone. Binge alone. Binge alone. It's really weird to be fully aware that you are going crazy. I can see myself do all of this in slow motion. I can feel Ana and Mia, my schizophrenic delusions, hug me.