I'm Horrible At This!

103.8. Ummmm.... basically the same. I did go up yesterday to 105.2, but seeing as how I went back down to pretty much the same weight, I'll count it as a fluke. Did realllllly well yesterday day until dinner when I had a major bp. Ate a ton of steak and peas with 2 slices of bread and 2 glasses of wine. Thankfully I puked most of it up. Easier to puke when you're drunk. Ate breakfast today, but it wasn't that bad about 300 calsish. I went powerwalking for 2.5 hours despite cramps which made the walk less powerful, but I still managed to break a little sweat in the cold. I am going to walk for another hour tonight to go to a meeting. But I am definitely going to have a slice of pizza tonight to put on a good show for the other women at the meeting. One slice. They're always talking about how tiny I am which actually makes me more insecure, because, I guess, I'm crazy and lame. Other than that I'm not eating anything else today except maybe a pickle if I get desperate. So altoids it is. I love how they can save you when you feel like fainting. Mmmmmmmm.... So yeah. I am obsessed with pinching my belly fat and rubbing the outside out my hipbones since they are so easy to feel now. Depending on the day I'll even have the points jutting out, and they bruise so easily. I'll get thse 2 little bingo dot sized spots right there. I love it. They're cute to me, and I love pressing on them to feel the dull pain. Ever since I've been getting back down with my weight I notice that I get attention from a different, higher quality set of men. It's pretty sweet and flattering. Although, my ass is still ginormous! Aaahhhhhhh...... am I boring?

Don't Wanna Be a Downer. BUT.....

Okay, the important stuff first. 103.6 today. 102.8 yesterday. Sorry I haven't updated. Sometimes I feel lame and like I'm not focused enough in real life to be able to come on here and be all "I am not gunna eat, blah blah blah...." while fucking up and eating over and over again. Turns out this is all I have. My messed up, sometimes hilariously funny brain. This weekend was a party one for sure, and these days I am hard-pressed to find women thinner than I am. I counted maybe 5, but who knows. I know I'm not fat. But I see fat all over my body. Ugh...... it doesn't make sense anymore. I guess I'm back with the puking. I hate doing it. I feel like I'm going to die from it. I'm not sure how, but it's one of my fears. I prefer eating very tiny meals 3 times a day. Like 200 cal meals would be perfect. I want to be one of those happy, skinny girls. I'm so sick of this self-hatred that motivates me to not eat and the depression that takes away my motivation to live. I used to stare at thin women in the street, but now I can barely stand to look at them fearing I'll give myself away. You can see the bones in my chest now. Somedays you can see my hipbones when I stand (not today, btw). The other day a man in his 30s yelled, "You need to eat." at me. I thought by this point I'd be beaming with confidence and happiness. I'd prance around knowing I was one of the perfect girls. What the fuck is going on?!?!?! I'll write more when I figure it out. 1 cup of ff cottage cheese (160), 1/2 cup of potato salad (190). It never ends, does it??????????

The Good, the Bad, the Fat, and the Ugly

I've gone up. Little bit too much celebrating this weekend. Ugh... How could I do this? 104.4 today. 103.0 yesterday. Why? How? I know I can do it. I did it once, and I can do it again. It's not fun. It's not easy. Today I've had a couple of raisins and a bowl of pho. Salad for dinner. Very little salad. Tomorrow it will be easy to avoid food as I have tons of meetings which will keep my mind distracted. Damn I looked hot at 103. Hahahahahaha.... Funny how 1.4 lbs can feel like 10. Something fucked up my husband said to me yesterday. "Are you proud of me?" "Yes, of course I am," says moi. "Cause you know, I could've decided to bounce." Meaning he could've deserted his son and I, but he didn't. Um.... that's what you're supposed to do asshole. Why do I have to be proud of you for doing what you're supposed to do. Did you just see a hot piece of ass that you think you could be fucking right now if you weren't such a great guy? I hate men..................

What I Want (Thinspo) and a Quick Update!

Okay, so yesterday was NOT so great for eating. 1/2 a cup of left over beef chow mein. 200 cal tub of low-fat cottage cheese. 200 cal can of chicken/rice soup. About 150 cal of Smartpop. And... probably 500-600 cals of chocolate ice cream (my weakness). Even after all that I still managed to lose. 103.6 bitchezzzz! Less than 5 lbs away from my first goal! Since I have been eating like a piggy it must be due to the fact that I'm not drinking alcohol for another month practically. That was a huge calorie cut. So yay me!!!!!!!!!!!!

1000+

Did I really eat 1000+ cals yesterday??!?!! Ummmmm, well most of it was chocolate covered macadamia nuts which I tried to puke right away. It didn't seem to work that well. But today I weighed in at 104.4 lbs. So yay! Today I am being super duper good. I dunno really, but I think I've had 200ish cals at 2:35 pm. Yeee! I've had a pretty good and uneventful day. Hey, don't you just hate when someone complains about how they're starving around you, because it's 2 hours past lunch time and they still haven't eaten? Bitch! You don't know what starving issssss. LOlllllll! Someday I wil have super skinny legs, and I will post them for you bloggggg. Until then...........

May is MINE!

No Cinco de Drinko for me! I quit drinking for the whole month of May, because I will reach my first goal weight of 99 at the end of this month. I was drinking 600+ calories worth of alcohol everyday. Also, I was becoming a mean drunk and passing out unexpectedly which are a couple of signs that you are becoming an alcoholic. Not LOL. I am trying to stay under 500 cals per day which isn't quite working out, but the whole thing is to aim high and fall somewhere acceptable. I haven't been doing well with exercise, but I have been getting more exercise than ever before in my life. Sooooo... yay me! I am putting a positive spin on this whole ED thing. I am tired of hating myself. 105.0 today. 99 or nothing! All of my jeans are saggy on me, so hopefully I get tons of money for my birthday next month for jeans. Just recently purchased my first size 0 denim shorts EVERRR!!!! Tear. All the pain IS worth it. I still can't believe I own a pair of size ZEROs!!!!!!!!

Muthafukka! What the fuck?!

Sorry, blog. I will never neglect you again! What happened? I dunno. 104.4, though. Are you happy? I was skirting around the 106ish last time we were together.

Currently I am on day 2ish of a 3 day celery fast. Eating tons of celery. Yaaaa! Trying desperately not to eat any eggs. Cause we have sharp cheddar. Seriously though, food sucks. Why do I think I like it? Even when I do eat, it's not enjoyable. I remember the days when garlic fries tastes sooooo good. But it doesn't do that for me anymore. It's okay, I guess. But I let food reel me in still, and I'm always disappointed. It always ends up just okay and not worth it.

I am in love with Michael Cera. I mean for masturbatory purposes. Not in real life, suckers! Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

Stuck at home. Thinspo is not doing it for me, and I need some motivation to stay away from the fridge. Gunna go curl my hair! L<3VE, L<3VE, L<3VE you!!!!!