So I guess I'm back

Awesome! Haven't. Weighed in a while, but I will be back to the madness starting tomorrow. Just want to put it out there. Trying to figure out where this blog is going, and how I'm gunna pull it off. But I've had some ideas. Love to my skinnies! It's lonely out there, isnt it? Stay strong. <3

Lost it!

Completely fucking lost it. And now I have to watch these L<3ve My Body commercials on TV. Do they torture you too. Remind you that you haven't laid in bed unable to move from starvation, and that it means you are gaining, gaining, gaining. I'm sorry, and I know it's not honest..... I just can't post my current weight. I feel so out of control it makes me sick. I need one good day of fasting and strength and power and to KNOW I am back in this game before I can post about the new-neverending struggle. I WILL get back to where I was. If.it.fucking.kills.me.

Anything for it. People aren't even shocked when they see me anymore. How sad.........

Embarrassed...........

103.0

I'm such a failure, and I hate myself. Went on a cleaning spree and have had one string cheese so far today. I'm so scared. I need to get down to 98 before October which will be hard, because I don't have a real plan except starve. Guess just exercise more!!!!!!!!

I really feel lonely and wish I had a friend to be open about this with. I feel like it would be easier and soooooooo freeing. I guess that's why all the online communities exist. Atleast we have this. It's kind of like being gay in the old days. People think you choose this, and you're choosing a bad path of self-destruction. And that you can stop at anytime, no biggie. We totally have Ana-dar and can spot each other a mile away. But we don't have the desire to consume each other in a firey passion or anything, so we don't reach out. Ugh......... Lame-o!

Soooo..... I fucked up and ate before my morning weigh in. I haven't been able to lose and have been hovering around 100-102. It sucks really bad, because I know I need to cut out alcohol and fast atleast 2 or 3 days a week to get down. My metabolism is fucked. I haven't been eating much at all. Yesterday I ate 4 beef cubes during the day and bok choy in beef broth for dinner. I don't know what to do really, but I'm not giving up. I don't eat any shit ever. The only difference is that I've been using real sugar in my coffee rather than Splenda, because I can't stand the taste anymore. Friggin sucks. Blah!

In other news, I might be a psycho narcissist. I love attention. Beauty fades. I guess I'm trying my darndest to live up my beauty while it's here.........

98.6

Yay! I can eat a little guilt free-ish today. I mean guilt is always going to be associated with food in my world but realization of this helps a little too. Went out last night and got wasted again. Thee most wasted out of everyone. Awesome-o. I guess I never act as ridiculous as I think I do, and noone hates me the next day as I always expect. I just hate myself, I guess. Hahahahaha.....? Whatevs. Not the skinniest girl last night. Oh well. Good for the girl who was. Saw a guy that was a major hottie to me back in the day, and he looked soooooo old! I guess it happens to us all. But for white people..... sooner than the rest of us. Awwwww...... I <3 white people. 98.6

Fuck. I guess people hate you for being skinny. People are just haters, and I'm floored whenever people talk shit to my face. Do I ask for it? Am I asking for it? I don't understand. I would never and have never done that. Or have I? Maybe I've made some comments that have hurt without realizing it. Maybe I'm sensitive. I dunno. 99.2 lbs and 17.0 bmi. Ugh.......... my life......... sucks. I'm an alcoholic. I'm going crazy. Atleast I kinda have some friends and some sort of a social life these days. :/

Sooooo I've gained. I never reached 98. But it's not even close to over. I figure summer is coming late on purpose, because it's waiting for me. I just realized the other day that I'm going to be getting married pretty, pretty, pretty soon. FUCK! Lately, I've been smitten on a few ppl, but last nights realization of an upcoming date was a total bonerkill. I'm a mom, and soon I will be a wife and a mom. Where is my coupon organizer?? Haa! I'm looking forward to my life coming up. I don't want to cheat, because I don't ever want to put myself in a position where I'm the fucked up one. That's not control. That makes you even more vulnerable in love, and you lose respect from everyone. Even the person you cheated with will never respect you, because you obviously have no self-control. So yeah, bonerkill. No more smittenenuning. No more. Friendship is normal. Desiring to be physically close to someone you have an emotional connection with is normal, but isn't necessary in friendship. Of course..... duh. Being bisexual sucks........

100.2 isn't much of a gain, I know. But I need this. I need to be thin. For all the reasons to hate me one of the reasons should never be that I'm physically repulsive. Thin people look so clean and neat to me. Fatness is just sloppy. Ew! I love when people hit on me, because they don't realize that they are attracted to anorexics. Jokes on you assholes. Talk shit on pro-ana all you fucking want, but when you are drooling over my shit, we win!!!!!!!!!